Time to get buff; I am not going to quit...

Memorial for a psychiatric nurse that was killed by a patient  at Napa State Hospital

More doctoring yesterday. I had a lab draw in the morning. Followed by an afternoon meeting with the Workman's Comp MD.

I disagree with the MD's opinion entirely. He feels that my pain in my back is just "referred" pain from my broken ribs or pain from my blocked coronary arteries, predicting a major coronary event in my life in the near future. (I prefer option number one). He feels that I just need to "not focus on the pain" and to place my hand over my ribs in order to give the back pain some relief. "Does that give you relief" he said. I said: "I don't know, I'm on Norco so everything is pleasant right now". Against my will he put me on Modified Duty. He then launched into my health problems (the coronary arteries) and another health problem related to my lungs.

"You either need to Buff up or get out of your work", the MD said. 'Psychiatric nursing is a young man's game. You have to be in shape for it'. My brother, family and friends have been saying the same thing to me. "I don't even know if I'd survive another fractured rib, this one just isn't coming back".

MD: "People in their 50's just don't heal well. It is time for a desk job for you. Chase paper."

Meanwhile, I am sobbing.

We talk some more and he orders a new NSAID that has all the studies up in an uproar with its effectiveness. I tell him: "My back's problem is muscular, so could you give me a benzo like Valium to be used as a muscle relaxer"?MD"I don't believe your back has any organic reason for hurting. It is referred pain, but I'll write for some Ativan". He wrote a weak dose of Ativan 1 mg to be used every 12 to 24 hours.

I've been asking for valium or ativan for months. Later, talking to my boss, crying, I realize that I still want to be a  psychiatric nurse. I still want to do the ER evaluations. I love it. This is my dream work. I decide to get buff. I am not going to quit. I need to get healthier and to learn to keep my head down in dangerous situations.

I go the pharmacy, I take the Ativan. Relief ensues within an hour. I take another, ignoring the MD's orders. I'm going to marinate this back in Ativan for a few days in order to heal it. 24 hours in, the back feels good---even though I drove across the state today. Normally I would be in agony. I asked for this med months ago. They wouldn't give it to me because it is "too addicting". Well, as a muscle relaxer they work. Let's just see how addicted I get. MD's and Health Professionals can be so obtuse. They use their safe meds that are ineffective---too dumb to think out of the box to protect their licenses.

As it is, my back hasn't felt this good in months. The Ativan worked.

I stayed an extra night to get my head together. Joni is confused at my change in plans: "I thought you hated it".

I do at times. But nobody can do what I do. It takes years to hone these skills. I can't just throw them away. I'll retire at 59 1/2; I'll get healthy. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing. If I get hurt again, I will quit.